Building Relationships Q&A

[00:00:00]
>> Participant: How do you manage early days in office as software developer? I mean, what priority? What things should you prioritize more, connection to other people or focus on the job description at first?
>> Francesca Sadikin: Especially when you start a new job.
>> Francesca Sadikin: So I think it's important to split, it almost 50, 50, in that.

[00:00:28]
So it depends on how this company is actually structured, and whether you're expected to be on site all the time. Of course, if you can ramp quickly, in your work. That would be great, but if you can combine it together right? Because a lot of that ramp up activities can actually be best, faster learned by connecting with another engineer and having them actually go through it together with you and they're pointing out the quick spots too.

[00:00:58]
And that actually becomes your first connection with somebody which you can build on top of. I also find that these on-site events, especially if they don't happen that often. So I'm assuming if it doesn't happen that often, prioritizing, creating a little bit of a connection with your teammates is going to be helpful.

[00:01:18]
So that when you become remote, you guys already know each other and you guys can, it's just smoother when you work together. But if you are constantly on site, then I think, it's fine to not front load all of the connection building. Just make sure to schedule time to actually still do that to at least have met everybody.

[00:01:42]
>> Participant: An anecdotal from my personal career. Early in my career, I was at an office that had a lot of roles that I didn't necessarily know what they even did. And so I was like, hey, can I have coffee with you or take you to lunch and just talk about your.

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Job and how you kinda got there and whatever and people were surprisingly really open to that and granted I was in my 20s and just kinda eyes wide open just looking to meet people. And so that was they were really amicable to it but I realized that doing that 34 40 times, I gotta know a lot of people in the company and then eventually all the best projects and stuff just kept getting thrown on my plate.

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And I got raises really, really quickly. And I was really young leading big projects. And I have to say that that's direct one to one, because everybody knew who I was, whereas, the other people just only writing code, it was a huge difference. And that kind of connection?

[00:02:52]
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes, exactly, if you think about it right, like if you're giving opportunities, you prefer, it's not great. But of course, you prefer to give it to someone you know, like someone you're like I talked to that person. I know what he's like, and they got the skills to do it.

[00:03:07]
Here you go, right? Yes.
>> Participant 2: I would add to not only is this good for building a relationship with your manager and your coworkers, but also your potential manager And potential co-workers. I found that asking questions like you used in your example during a behavioral interview has really helped me make a connection and hit it off with an engineering manager and.

[00:03:39]
>> Participant 2: If you start making that connection a lot of times, they're willing to go over the allotted time in the interview, and then that feels really good.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes.
>> Participant 2: Especially if you know you go over time and don't even notice it maybe.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes, yeah.
>> Participant 2: So it can be helpful in that context, too.

[00:03:56]
>> Francesca Sadikin: And I've definitely, I'm pretty sure, that them being able to feel like they had a good conversation with you, it does impact what they write about you in the reviews. Yeah, cuz interviews are also very subjective, there are a lot of processes, but it's still based off of how another engineer feels when they work with you, and what they think of your skills.

[00:04:21]
Yes.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Go ahead.
>> Participant: How do you get the most out of your one-to-ones?
>> Francesca Sadikin: How do I get the most of the one ones? I think it depends on what the goal is of the one ones, if it's-
>> Participant: With your manager,
>> Francesca Sadikin: I see.
>> Participant: Keeping trackin for instance, or-

[00:04:40]
>> Francesca Sadikin: So if it's a regular one-on-one that I always have, for example, with my manager. I could be better at this as well for myself, but I try to ask, first of all, am I meeting expectations? [LAUGH] Am I doing okay based off what you're looking at? And then trying to see, it's different because my manager is always asking me what opportunities I'm seeing that I think that should be improved as well.

[00:05:10]
And so it's kind of more a two-way conversation where he's also asking for my opinions on things. So it's a little different but just also just asking, how you can ask, how can I help you? Manager, I'm doing my task, but I have a little bit more for your time.

[00:05:26]
Is there something that you want me to focus on that would actually be able to help you more, right? Those types of conversations, just kinda getting a sense of what what they're doing and what they would like more help with.
>> Participant: There's somebody who had a question around they're making a career change and if you're almost kind of ashamed in sharing things on LinkedIn or on it's just not.

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That they've already built is kind of in a different field, and so they're trying to, break into this new area. And every time they share about it, it feels bad, I guess.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yeah, that's really difficult. I wonder if there's anything that you've experienced in previous field that would actually help you as an engineer, and to highlight those abilities, right?

[00:06:27]
Maybe it's like I've worked with like numerous other people and always been able to gain alignment with them. That's a useful skill as an engineer, right? It doesn't have to be your technical abilities.
>> Participant 3: In this case, it was a different technical field.
>> Francesca Sadikin: A different technical field, yeah.

[00:06:43]
Yeah, I think trying to find those common things that would be good in a software engineering role. And then just stress that, don't feel shame. Cuz I feel people can always tell that you're feeling shameful about it and they're like, why? [LAUGH] be proud of it and find that thing that actually makes you coz every experience you learn something important in it.

[00:07:10]
Take that learning whether it was a good or bad thing you've learned something from it. Express that in the interviews.
>> Participant: Is it interesting question. How would you say the ratio of focusing on coding skills versus relationship skills, what kind of balance would you put to those kind of separate skill tracks?

[00:07:35]
>> Francesca Sadikin: So [LAUGH] I kind of, think of them like the technical skill has to be there. It is the foundation on which you apply this other stuff. But without the technical skills, you will not be able to match you won't be able to take advantage of the opportunities you're given.

[00:07:53]
You're not gonna be able to succeed at them. So definitely focusing on your technical foundations and making sure you're really good there while at the same time, in your little bits of downtime. While you're still ramping up as a software engineer, going to still maintain those relationships, right?

[00:08:13]
It's not, I don't find it particularly time consuming, because you just gonna split it up to like, I'll do one 30 minute meeting every week, right? Just one, and then over time, you're gonna meet quite a lot of people.
>> Participant: Yeah, I personally think about it almost like a multiplier effect.

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It's if you're an incredible engineer, and you just get better and better and better at engineering. That's awesome, but then every bit of social skills [LAUGH] and relationship building, and trust building. And these kinds of communication skills, every little bit that you layer on top of that is a multiplier affect your entire career.

[00:08:54]
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes.
>> Participant: So it's yeah, the foundation is just being Amazing coder, but.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes.
>> Participant: As you get better at these other skills, suddenly boom.
>> Francesca Sadikin: So definitely, so-
>> Participant: Opportunities in your lap.
>> Francesca Sadikin: I think in the beginning, just especially if you're really, really new focus on the technical skills.

[00:09:16]
But just save a little bit of time to start practicing talking with people and building that connection. And moving forward, when you are working with people, those are actually all opportunities for you to show up well, right? When you start working, already be a great working partner by making sure you're not coming across in a way that's very judgy, or making others unsafe.

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Those are how you can show up every day in your work. Even if you may not be amazing at talking with others yet, there are little things in how you come across that you can do now.
>> Participant 3: How can you ask questions without making the other person feel they're being inquiring too much.

[00:10:20]
How can you ask open upend questions that will lead to, that conversation and relationship building?
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yeah, definitely, there's a thing about consent, right? If it definitely seems a little touchy, you can ask questions in a way that gives them an out, right? You're like that sounds really difficult.

[00:10:43]
And then if they want to talk about it, right? It's a very gentle nudge, I'd love to hear about it if you wanted to talk about it. But if they don't, you just let them go. Don't keep trying to trail down into that. And other things is just if you look at their body language and their face, usually people are not very careful in how they come across.

[00:11:06]
And so you can kind of tell you start to pick up, they don't wanna talk about that. It's uncomfortable, right? Or they'll even just change the subject for you and you just follow them? You don't wanna force anyone, but I think always asking, in a way, in a question, just like, do you want to talk about it?

[00:11:24]
I think it's a good way to give them the option to do it or not.
>> Participant: What's your advice if you have someone on your team you genuinely dislike?
>> Francesca Sadikin: Well, if you're not gonna leave on to another team, you're gonna have to just figure out how to work with this person.

[00:11:43]
You could go very toxic with this, right? If they're actually genuinely very, very hard to work with, then you do the corporate way. Which is, you start gathering evidence of how their actions are making it hard for everybody to deliver, and then you bring it up to the manager.

[00:12:01]
That's the very toxic, formal way of work trying to resolve something when it's a really bad case. But if it's just a mild case, I think you could try and give feedback. But if they don't take it well. Because maybe it is you not giving the feedback well, or they didn't receive it, talking to your manager.

[00:12:23]
That doesn't work. I guess your options are either to stay on the team and accept it, or leave the team.
>> Participant 4: Right, I work with someone that I think was very difficult before. So, we're on same project. And I discovered he wasn't on chat team, so I chatted him and told him, you are not online, something you're not showing visible.

[00:12:50]
And his response was, why are you trailing me? Are you my supervisor? Something like, I want to report him. So I said, no you got this wrong. I'm just trying to see if you have a problem with your connection or we are on the same team or if I have any issue I can always fall back.

[00:13:10]
>> Participant 4: So that was a soft tool one. Another thing, time, you often thinks I'm I was trying to probably offend him. He's only offensive anyway. So there was a time he came in to me without telling me. He just called me on Teams and said, I shouldn't have done this.

[00:13:28]
I should have told you earlier before. I said, no, you are my priority. We are on the same team. And I was always responding to his own harsh way with ease and calm. And eventually we became best of friends.
>> Francesca Sadikin: That's good.
>> Participant 5: So I think anybody you can handle people.

[00:13:48]
Eventually, I knew he was going through because he had to tell me that he was going through some problems, and he apologized.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yeah.
>> Participant 5: I've been at being very.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes.
>> Participant 5: Awkward to you, I'm so sorry.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Your story is very similar to another story I've heard where, and that is the thing.

[00:14:04]
It's sometimes when people are coming across very aggressive or prickly, maybe they're actually going through something difficult in their personal lives. And it's coming out that way. And so if we don't engage in it, and we're actually that's okay, give them benefit of the doubt and still being calm.

[00:14:25]
And if you somehow have a face to face conversation, to talk it out, without judging them, or shaming or blaming them. Sometimes, they'll actually just say, I'm sorry, I'm actually having a really bad time right now and I'm coming across on you, I know that. And I'll try to be better, right?

[00:14:46]
Give them a chance to actually apologize maybe, as long as you don't keep being aggressive with them. They may actually apologize for you.
>> Participant: Yeah, and in my own experience in this one is just find the thing that you both know, or you know that you both want and try to.

[00:15:08]
>> Francesca Sadikin: Get the alignment incentives aligned.
>> Participant: Yes, center your thinking and also the conversation around. Hey, we're both trying to do this right? And then they're, yeah, okay? What's your ideas here? And I feel that breaks things open, so many times, because it's just this is something we obviously both want, and just starting off with that in a positive way.

[00:15:35]
I feel almost every single conflict that I've had with people working, that's just broken through the the trap. The doors, trap doors or whatever, cuz you're getting it off what I think or what I feel or what they think and what they feel, and you're putting it on something that you both want.

[00:15:55]
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yeah, that's actually, that's really good advice, and it's also, I think, very similar to finding that win win situation. So when you talk to this person, if you can figure out what incentives are driving them, you can see if you can find an alignment. So that even if you disagree, you said, we can find a common path to continue moving forward still.

[00:16:17]
>> Participant: And then the part is, if you still can't through, it's somebody has to make the decision whether it's a manager.
>> Francesca Sadikin: Yes.
>> Participant: There's two viable things, can we just pick one and both get behind it.